A Clown In The Mafia
by DapplesNotSpots
Summary: That was the day I helped Tsunayoshi Sawada. And that was also the day when a completely normal human interaction sprouted into the one thing I feared most. Where things would go from there, only time would tell. GokuderaXOC
1. Chapter 1

The day began like any other. A full-on death match.

"Give it back!"

"No!"

"Give it back you bastard!" now before you get the idea that I'm some sort of kickass mafia hitman, I'll tell you I'm the exact opposite. I'm a fifteen year old Namimori student who lives with a bird, named Roar, and a mattress. I'm no secret gang member, I'm no silent assassin, no matter how hard I wish, I'm still Nah Hiisake. But I'll have you know I'm not JUST Nah Hiisake! People know me much better as Doukeshi. It means clown. I sort of made a funny comment when I was really young and everyone laughed and now giggles are my heroine. My life plan consists of becoming a legendary comedian, killing my best friend during a cocaine exploration, and dying in a strip club from a heroin overdose the next morning. Most people laugh at such a plan but it's my life guide! And I won't allow myself to die unless it is after that exact set of experiences.

"Never!" my favorite bird got a little too vicious this time. He raked a set of well-manicured bird feet across my neck. Bad decision. That gave me the needed amount of time to strike. I grabbed one of his tiny legs and jerked it to the side. In retrospect, horrible course of action, but at the time it seemed pretty smart. Preliminary notes, I have no fucking idea what preliminary means and if you didn't guess already, I'm really not all that smart. People think I am at first, because I say witty things sometimes; however it takes about three minutes of knowing me to find out I'm an immature clown with no real future. Even though it's true I sort of choose reject that reality. For I am Doukeshi! The greatest clown of Namimori! And my wonderful clown powers allowed me to win the death match and claim my prize. The last piece of mochi!

Granted, I probably shouldn't be feeding a bird mochi in the first place, but Roar seems to like it and what makes him happy makes me happy. Not in the way you'd think, though, I mean we both like the same foods and therefore fight over them. I'm really not a very good owner but my bird isn't a very good bird. He curses, he fights me, he bites people, he inappropriate things, and he's a total douche to top it all off. Unfortunately for us, he can talk. Apparently I'm good with training animals. I wouldn't trade him for any other bird, however. You could say he's sort of my wingman, pun fully intended and extremely hilarious. Puns are kinda my thing, too. And, yes, they are MY things because everyone else hates them. I'm bringing them back, I missed puns. They're so... Punny! Give me a moment to catch my breath and we can continue on.

I shoved the delicious package of magic into my mouth and brushed off my clothes. It was the weekend luckily which meant I didn't have to wear a Namimori uniform. Instead I got to trade my skirt and stockings for a pair of two year old shorts and my clean pressed dress shirt for a tattered tank top. Neither of the articles of clothing had any color. I felt like they did at one point but that it was sucked out by over use and general lack of joy. There weren't a whole lot of smiles around my house due to some serious family financial issues so the small amount of the clothing I owned lacked color completely. But that's not important. I plucked Roar off his perch and seated him on my shoulder proudly. The bird went everywhere, whether or not it was allowed you could be guaranteed that Roar would be on my shoulder. After all he was my wingman. And, no, that joke will never get old. Today, the two of us were headed out in search of food. I had enough money to eat fancy once a month and I always chose the first Sunday.

And thus I set out to find a good sushi shop at the market. Some place to play a few practical jokes, do a little eavesdropping on other people's conversations, and generally destroy a couple's relationship. What could I say? It was Doukeshi's duty! And what kind of clown would I be if I weren't disruptive and obnoxious? Probably a good one but that doesn't matter. I tied a satchel of money and important items, better known as my sack just to get a few giggles, to one of my belt loops and set off into the world with only my convictions. And stink bombs and gummy candy. But, I'm Doukeshi and that's just what I do.

XxXxXxXxX

It must have been about noon because the sun was high in the sky and that's what the clock in the shop I was seated at read. Misleading, also a good clown technique. After getting thrown out of a few shops for general trouble making and shenanigans, I found a little ice cream parlor that would tolerate me and my fowl mouthed parrot. You probably thought Roar was something kickass like a falcon or a hawk, but he's just a colorful little parrot. I let him chip away at the last remains of some banana flavored ice. It had been an exceptional day for food sampling due to the great weather and I had gotten my fair share of free treats. By the time I got here, I was out of pranks and stomach room so I settled for a sort of snow cone like treat. And I still had about 2,000 yen left! This meant I could save up for next month and get a full-on meal. Yay for poor people!

"Sorry, you're 300 short." my ears picked on the sounds of a child in need. Now, general clowniness aside, I'm actually a pretty nice girl. Probably because I love seeing other people happy. It goes along with the whole bringing laughter thing. I've donated money to orphans and puppies and friends in need even though I need the cash, but that doesn't matter in the heat of the moment. So I sprung out of my seat and turned to see just who couldn't pay. And I was met by a mop of brown hair so luxurious it vaguely resembled an afro. Only one boy I knew had hair like that, Hapless Tsuna. Well, not so hapless anymore. Ever since he started piecing together a rag-tag team of misfits. There was Yamamoto, whom I adored for being an airhead and actually knew quite well, Ryohei, freaked me out and was sort of banished from my friend circle, Hibari, I never saw him unless he was reprimanding me for something, and some other foreign exchange kid with pretty hair. Sometimes there was a little boy with an authentic afro in a cow suit too. Bottom line, whenever they were with him Tsuna was suddenly very majestic and brave. However, this time, it was just him standing around digging through his pockets. I would have been an asshole if I didn't help.

"I believe I have the money, my good sir!" and, like a black stallion standing in the moonlight atop a hill, I slammed the money down with an insane amount of pride. Tsuna looked up at me with a horrified expression on his face, as if he half expected me to suck out his soul in exchange for the help. I didn't know why, I'd seen him around school a billion times before. He even laughed at my jokes! But this sort of mortified, mouth opened, eyes blank expression sat on his face for a moment before he realized who it was. Or at least decided I wasn't going to eat his flesh.

"Doukeshi?" I have to admit, Tsuna is amazingly adorable when he's confused. He's sort of like a puppy. And I was giving him an ice cream treat! Why do I always give animals food that's going to kill them? Oh well, not my problem.

"No, just some creepy rapist. Do you like ice cream, little boy?" I hissed, petting Tsuna's face with one hand in my best pedophile impersonation. He looked horrified for a minute and then laughed nervously. Good enough for this clown. I grabbed my bird and headed out the door with a final and tearful farewell. That was the day I helped Tsunayoshi Sawada. And that was also the day when a completely normal human interaction sprouted into to the one thing I feared most.

* * *

><p><em><strong>New story time~ I've been on break and I had an idea so here it is! I wrote a decent amount of this in the hospital so I apologize for any morphine induced strangeness. I'm hoping this will be at least a little fantastic, though! Leave a review, fav, and sub if you want more! Thanks for reading, mooncalves!<strong>_

_**~DNS**_


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning was pretty standard. Fight to the death, put bird away, put on school uniform, and run to school. Well, alright, you caught me. It would have been pretty standard had nobody added 'Meet up with leathery prostitute' into the equation. I made a bit of an extra stop on my way to school. I turned behind my favorite convenience store rather stealthily. For me, stealthily meant not throwing fireworks on the ground compulsively but instead doing a saucy tap dance routine to the tune of _Camptown Ladies_.

In case you're wondering, yes, I always walk extremely loudly to the beat of old American folk songs. _Hot Cross Buns_ is a particular favorite of mine, but I'm far more partial to _Three Blind Mice_. I slipped over near a dumpster, knocked on its lid three times, and waited silently. Low and behold, my very favorite leathery prostitute popped her head out excitedly. She wrestled for a moment with her neon pink tube top and fumbled with the hem of her skirt before slinging her body over the side of the dumpster. She put a crooked smile on her face and laughed. I let out a snicker, too. Not sure why, I just did.

"There she is," my mother pulled me into a furious noogie. She wrapped her frail frame around me before cupping my face in her hands and continuing,

"If it isn't my goddamn little Doukeshi, all grown up and wearing stockings."

"If it isn't my favorite whore!" I teased, pulling my leg coverings off and bundling them up.

"There are others?" mom burst into laughter. She used to be a comedian. Used to be. Now it was all dumpster living and street corners. But that was all just... Okay. I shook my head out sharply. Seeing her made me feel nostalgic and sometimes even a little sad. I had to snap out of that shit. Doukeshi couldn't feel sad! Mondays were my big days for bringing cheer. Partly because the Glee Club had a weekly lunch assembly on Mondays and partly because I hated seeing everyone upset over a day.

Oh, and by Glee Club I mean an actual club that brings glee. Not some singing show where students just magically join in on elaborate dance routines. Not something disgusting like that. I handed my mother the stockings, fighting the cool breeze on my freshly shaven legs. As long as she was warm, I didn't mind being cold for a day. Not a single bit. Eh... That made me sound annoying. Disregard that. _Ew..._

"That way you won't freeze your ass off, I imagine that's the only thing getting you customers nowadays." I teased, planting a kiss on her cheek carefully. Who knew what kind of diseases she was carrying. I slung my plastic take out bag of books over my shoulder and headed off with a salute.

It wasn't too far before I hit upon the haven for hilarity that was Namimori. I slid inside just before the second bell rang, doing an 80's style dance to my seat. Thus began a rather productive morning of taunting and shenaniganing. Being shenaniganical? Shenaniganic? Oh well, fuck it. A _true_ Doukeshi only has time for wasting!

I decided it was time to start looking for Tsuna the moment my least favorite teacher began droning on about pandas or some such dunder miflin. I don't know why he was saying panda so much, this was math class. Or was it biology? Eh, for all I knew it was an in depth seminar on necromancy. I rolled out of my desk as stealthily as I could.

Meaning I slammed my face into a desk and set someone's notes on fire. I was not a clever man. Tsuna's desk was still empty by the time I had Doukeshied my way over to it. And, yes, I just used my nickname as a verb. I slid into it just in time to wave at the teacher. The children who had been watching me let out a laugh. I drummed my fingers on the desk bluntly.

_Boring._ I tugged a piece of paper out of my sack and scrawled a question on it. Then I drew wolf. Then I erased the wolf and drew a bear instead. Doukeshi's first rule of life, bears are _always_ better. I folded the paper up a few times before passing it to the silver haired boy next to me. He seemed to like Tsuna a lot; I figured he would be able to point me in the right direction as to where the little guy's house was.

But I was wrong. Immediately after receiving my very important written sentiment, he flicked it onto the floor. I narrowed my eyes. This meant war. And a war with Doukeshi is a war with Satan. Not literally though, I'm pretty sure I'm not the Prince of Darkness. But, hey, you never know. I shot my hand into the air abruptly.

"Yes, Nah?" Mister Teacher pointed to my open palm. He was a pretty meticulous man and he often left the room if someone needed a copy of something so that was my attack.

"I need that worksheet about those bioluminescent, cellular, Shakespearian, Napoleonic, spelling sums with the words and equations. Oh, and that one with the symbolic letters on it too, please." I figured that would work. I'd discovered that by saying things with absolute confidence you can normally get past most people.

"Oh, really? You should have talked to me before class... Everyone I'll be right back just work on those metaphorical similes and those ecosystematic divisors." he skipped out of the room after digging a pile of papers out of his file cabinet. I sat there totally dumbstruck for a good long moment. I legitimately had no idea what class I was in. And what the shit was a divisor? I turned back to Pretty Hair after marinating in my own confusion for a while. It was time to retaliate. Doukeshi away! I sneaked out of my desk carefully, watching everyone mingle amongst themselves with a crooked smile.

Pretty Hair had picked up a novelette. Something in another language. Something probably totally boring. He placed a pair of reading glasses daintily on the bridge of his nose after a few seconds. I hiked my skirt up to prepare for the fantastic Doukeshiness that was about to begin. First, though, I decided I'd give him one more chance to be civil before I had to resort to artillery. There was a chance I was going to lose a _lot _of good men so I wanted to make sure I exhausted all other possibilities.

"Hi," I held my hand out to shake Pretty Hair's,

"Nah Hiisake, class clown, I'm a friend of Tsuna's and I was wondering if you might help me locate his home after school today. It'd be a real help to all of us in Doukeshi Village, we could really use your support and patron-"

"No." Pretty Hair stuck his hand directly onto my face and shoved me backwards. I landed with a plop on the floor. That was it. Nobody made me look like an idiot except myself. And most other people. But not Pretty Hair. Not when I was trying to hold back a war. Not when I was trying to save a man from humiliation. Yet here I was. Rolling up my sleeves to prepare for the ultimate humiliation. I had tried to stop it, I had tried so very hard to keep him safe. But no! Oh no... I was about to destroy his life as he knew it. I was about to break out...

The Michael Bublè. Oh woe! Oh pain! Even uttering his name makes me weak in the knees. So many beautiful young girls and boys lost to my impression of the American singer. And here I stood. About to take another. I threw all the books off Pretty Hair's desk and slid onto it as one of my associates flicked off the lights. Another boy held a flashlight over me and a few other nameless children pushed the desks together. My best Glee Club friend, Byoki Ryuu, began blaring the instrumentals in the background. I took my sexiest pose. Oh, Pretty Hair, forgive me.

"You'll never find for as long as you live..." I don't remember what happened after that. It was nothing but a blur of Bublè and rampant laughter. Until someone threw me to the side so forcefully I cracked my head against the wall. The sound of someone storming out of a classroom rang through the searing pain in my skull. I had never expected this. It was beyond a Doukeshi's wildest dreams. A formidable opponent! Never mind that he had probably given me a serious concussion, of that he was responsible for the gash in my scalp.

I'd met someone who didn't crack under pressure and start laughing during my most hilarious of impressions. I made fun of America so well in that skit it amazed me. I amazed myself pretty frequently. But that wasn't important now! Doukeshi had a pressing matter to attend to. Getting some directions to Tsuna's house. I found my way over to Yamamoto, who was in absolute hysterics, and perched myself on his desk.

"Yamamoto! Pressing matters! Important issues! Burning topics! Can I get some directions to Tsuna's house after school so he can pay me back? I was trying to get Pretty Hair to show me but apparently he hates fun..." I wouldn't lie; I was a little sour even after meeting my perfect enemy. But I recovered quickly, resilience was a beautiful gift.

"Sure! Why don't you walk over with me and Gokudera? We were gonna bring Tsuna his homework anyway. I don't think anyone will mind if you tag along." oh how _wrong_ he was.


End file.
